2016

March 14, 2016

MARCH..in like a LION

It has been a busy CRAZY couple of months.

Right now we are getting ready for Sloan’s Birthday. SHE WILL BE 5!!!   I can’t believe it…it is a hard age for me and it takes me back to Noelle being her and being 5 at Sloan’s 3^rd Birthday.  I can’t help but have the excited look on my face, but my heart tells a different story.  I hurt so much and it is so difficult to go though this life without Ms. Noelle to celebrate with us here physically.  I know she is close so often though…even this last weekend while at a wedding for Taiya, I saw the biggest ladybug..

It was on the outside of our hotel. Drew and I went down as a couple to Payson, UT for the wedding and left the kiddos at home with my mom and dad. 

The temple experience was amazing and I could feel her so close, and remembering her when we were in the sealing room.  Her cute outfit, and her smile…I got super teary eyed and I know that she was with us that day. 

We have had some upsetting news on my side of the family for the last couple of months.  In January--Brittney and Kelly were expecting, TWINS, but we have lost them…only to have Kari and AJ go through the same thing.  No twins, but the loss. My heart aches for them and the loss.  I know the excitement of learning you are expecting--from the moment you know for sure, your heart and head start planning out the rest of the life of that baby….  I hope and pray that we can all look to our loving Heavenly Father and remember the Plan of Salvation.  I know that without it, I would be ruined after the loss of Noelle. 

This will forever be my post of Noelle--Noelle is now 5 and is such a good helper.  She is constantly cleaning up and doing more than her share of cleaning up after her little sister and brother.  She just graduated from Ms. Connie’s preschool and is excited to start KINDERGARTEN in the fall.  She can’t wait and talks about riding the bus—little does she know that will hardly ever happen…as I am scared for her to do those things… She still has problems brushing her hair…she will fight me most mornings, but Allie bought the girls a pink brush and it is a miracleJ.  Noelle is growing up and getting so pretty.  She has some issues with self-esteem and says sometimes “I don’t look pretty”.  She has fly-away hairs and “its messy”..I love her and she is such a sweet spirit.. I get down on her sometimes b/c I know she is capable of so much more.  I do need to be patient with her and let her figure out stuff on her own time I need to remember that I love her so much, and she looks up to me and loves me.  She is quick to tell me that she is sorry when she does something wrong. I can already see that she has a tender heart and tries so hard to make all of us happy.  LOVE HER!!  

3/14/2016

UPDATE: We have finalized her Headstone, and it should be ready to set within the next few weeks…I am so excited to finally be able to give this final gift to her..I know she would love it…

Sloan has been sick off and on for the last three weeks, and we have missed a lot of daycare…she enjoys it, but I also know she likes to spend the time here with me and her dad, and brothers.  We had a transformation a few weeks ago..she decided that she wanted to cut her hair off!!!  ITS ADORABLE! She will graduate this spring (May) from Ms. Connie’s and go to Kindergarten in the fall.  I took in an application to the BCCLC?? And hopefully she will get in—they have Fridays off and it is where ABBY works J  She is my little helper and often I forget that she is only 4.  She enjoys going to church and reminds me often that we are going to church right?..we attended the annual Udy Cattle Company Bullsale last week and she loved it and was so good—I was so busy running around with Rhett, and I am so glad/lucky to have my parents camper out there.  Her birthday is in three days…ahhhhhh

Sloan is starting to become such a beautiful woman…she isn’t that toddler anymore, and she really is growing so much, and turning into so much more.  She is a blessing to me, even when we butt heads.  She has so much good in her, and I need to help her grow and develop…I am scared that she will shut down and not come to me with problems because she doesn’t want to upset me.  She IS AMAZinG!!!!

Rhett is now 27 months…boy is he BUSY.  He keeps me moving all the time.  He wants what he wants and often tells me NO.  He loves his “OWIE” and has a sudden concern for all things baby.  The other day he ran up from the basement telling  me something about a baby….i figured Owen needed something, but upon inspections Drew and I found out that he was just worried about “Baby Hercules”….TFC J  Church is still a handful and he often escapes my handholds and gets away.  He loves Nursery and CARS!!!  He has been helping out with our nightly prays and loves to help anywhere he can—loves Owen and Sloan and Lala…and the Dog LOLA.   He always wants to be outside, and throws a tantrum when he gets told to come in.  He likes to count and watch MICKEY MOUSE..  RHETTERS.. he is so much fun, and he really does bring so much light into my life. His personality is funny and it really does remind me of Noelle.  He has been dancing around lately..tapping his one foot…he started this out at grandma afton shawver’s.  He has a huge heart too…I love that about all my kids.  I hope that he continues to learn the gospel and shares it with others.  He is amazing and determined for such a young kid.  He will go far, if he can keep his temper in check.  I love you RHETT Kenneth GRANT Shawver!!!!

Little OWIE..Owen is getting so big.  I have an appointment for him in April, but I am sure he is up in his weight and height..HE IS almost 9 months..he is starting to sit up on all fours.  I thought that he would be crawling when we got back from the wedding, so I am glad that I didn’t miss that!!!  He LOVES FOOD and like to make a mess.  He is happy once he eats and drinks..he also loves to talkJ   He still likes to give me a half smile, and stick out his tongue.  He has gotten better at being left alone, I can usually get 30 min out of him now—just leaving him with toys or in the jumper, or walker.  HE LOVES THE WALKER…we go to the church on Thursdays, and he likes to “RUN” around.  He still loves being in the middle of Sloan and Rhett, he has a great eye and loves to watch Sloan and Rhett.  He loves Sloan so much and they have a special bond.  I love watching them together—she loves to hold him, and tease him and make him laugh.  Rhett likes to love on him still, and is concerned if O is crying, or if he needs more milk.  Rhett will even grab diapers for O. OWEN still isn’t sleeping throughout the night, but I don’t mind the cuddles most nights.  He loves the dog, and watches her constantly from the highchair out the window.  He has gotten better about being in the CAR and the drives.  I like to think that he has done better since we went to the Chiropractor.  OWEN is a blessing beyond measure.  He came to me and us at a time when I needed it the most.  I know that he will continue to bless our lives and I feel that Noelle knew that I needed him.  I know that he will understand so much about her and ask so much about her when the times comes.  I hope he continues to grow and develop.  That he can have a understanding of his purpose here on earth.  I hope that his dad and I can be examples and be great ones at that. I hope that he will continue to CTR, and follow Sloan and Rhett’s examples, and that he can be an example to them as well. 

Best Moment this week:

The temple Sealing for TAIYA was amazing.  I am glad that DREW and I were able to attend.  I love spending time with Drew, when it is just us, we fight a LOT LESS!!! 

Getting back to my parents and loving on our kids was amazing too!!! I love that we have gone on two trips in the last two weeks and that my parents could helps us out both times.  We were only gone over night on both trips, but it was good for us to get to be “together” and I know that we needed it!!!

i am horrible...i know i need to be better...
here is a post from December that i Never POSTED :(

2015

December 23, 2015

I really have been having a hard time this year getting ready for Christmas, worse this year than last.  I have been reflecting back on the last year and a half, and so much has changed.  I miss Noelle like crazy, and often have wondered what she would be doing RIGHT NOW…I guess I will always carry this in my heart, and think about what she would be doing, versus what she is doing.  I love watching the kiddos play and laugh, and I know that Noelle would be right in the action with them..and that’s when it hits me the most….

I know she is so close, but it still isn’t where I want her to be..i am human, I am selfish, I know she is SAFE and I know she protects our family, but what I still wouldn’t give…..

The What If’s… they haunt me.

I have been thinking lately about the “remembering” once we pass through the veil…does it all come back to you at once, or if it is a perfect place, will we only remember perfect things?  Will we remember the hurt, will we remember the pain?  I hope so much that she doesn’t remember…but I do and I remember the pain that my heart bears constantly..I do try so much to be happy, but it is hard.  I am grateful for this family and how much love I have learned from each one of them.  I know that when I do see Noelle again, I will RUN to her and HOLD her…I will be bawling and she will be happy and laughing saying “Momma what’s wrong, Please Stop Crying”.  She will be comforting me more than I ever could have comforted her.  I love her so much and ache to be with her again, but it is nice to see her family grow, and her friends grow. J

This will forever be my post of Noelle--Noelle is now 5 and is such a good helper.  She is constantly cleaning up and doing more than her share of cleaning up after her little sister and brother.  She just graduated from Ms. Connie’s preschool and is excited to start KINDERGARTEN in the fall.  She can’t wait and talks about riding the bus—little does she know that will hardly ever happen…as I am scared for her to do those things… She still has problems brushing her hair…she will fight me most mornings, but Allie bought the girls a pink brush and it is a miracleJ.  Noelle is growing up and getting so pretty.  She has some issues with self-esteem and says sometimes “I don’t look pretty”.  She has fly-away hairs and “its messy”..I love her and she is such a sweet spirit.. I get down on her sometimes b/c I know she is capable of so much more.  I do need to be patient with her and let her figure out stuff on her own time I need to remember that I love her so much, and she looks up to me and loves me.  She is quick to tell me that she is sorry when she does something wrong. I can already see that she has a tender heart and tries so hard to make all of us happy.  LOVE HER!!  

12/23/2015

We just celebrated Noelle’s birthday and it was a bittersweet one. We just had grandmas and grandpas here to the house, and I made a cake, with PURPLE frosting, and Sloan put on the sprinkles.  J  I miss her..i say it constantly, but I do.  It will be something I carry with me for a long, long time L 

Noelle is beautiful and I know that she would be smart and have lots of friends..i think it would take her a while to figure out herself, but I would love that about her.  I think she would be messy but still listen to me and have a good relationship that she would push the limits but know when to stop J  Love you in my heart bug and I can only pray that we are doing what you would want us to do…and that you are proud and happy to be with us forever!!

Sloan is still going to Ms Connie’s and she is one of the OLDEST kids there.  She is quite tall for her age and she will graduate this spring (May) from Ms. Connie’s and go to Kindergarten in the fall.  In September she had her 1^st Primary Program..she did awesome and said her part and sang the songs……….i was impressed with her willingness to learn her part so quickly..she did have it memorized in 2 days… “We Believe In God the Eternal Father, and in His Son Jesus Christ, and in The Holy Ghost”.  When it was her turn, she got nervous, but finished strong and moved everybody with her BIG Crocodile tears.  She loves to get Pink Muffins for breakfast, and I love getting them for her…I miss getting muffins with the girls…Noelle would get Blueberry and Sloan would get a Strawberry Cheesecake J  Sloan loves Primary and Ms. Connies.  She is excited to have a pajama day today at school and then on January 2 they Primary is having a pajama Saturday so all the kids can meet their new teachers for 2016.  Sloan is such a good big sister, and it is like I can ask her to do anything to help me out with her brothers and she just does it…Sloan is such a light in my life..she can be a good listener and she helps out more that any 4 yr old should have too..she keeps me together..she loves her sister and talks about her often.    Sloan will do many wonderful things in her life, but most important to me is how she has helped me…How she will treat others along the way, even when she is having a hard time.    She is constantly reminding us to have family prayer and to read our scriptures.. she is a good person with a big heart. 

Rhett is now 23 months and RUNNING all over and AROUND and AROUND.  He has learned to climb up on top of the table, and he CONTINUALLY is flushing the toilets…this never happened with the girls.. He loves baths and likes to splash.  He loves the water and loves to “help” water the trees and water the lawn..he is always getting soaked but laughing “ha ha ha”.  He loves to play  on the phone and to play on the IPad..ok just push the home button..:) We moved him downstairs about a four months ago, when we moved Owen into a crib, and Rhett loves it down there…he loves the playroom right next to his bedroom, he loves the toys, he could honestly play down there by himself for hours….Rhett has been a good big brother and last week he even went #2 in the toilet..He loves to run around with Sloan, and he can’t stop kissing on his little brother.  He loves Nursery and often wont sit still during sacrament because he knows that he gets to go down stairs after its over. J    He Brings so much Happiness into our home..i feel like he is going to be a joker a lot..he loves to laugh J  I hope that he continues to watch and learn from Sloan….he is finally folding his arms for meal prayers J  I want him to be caring and love those around him.  I want him to be a helper and an example to those around him…LOVE you RHETT Rhett!!

Owen Andrew..is almost 6 months..he loves to coo and smile J   He has learned his hands and feet and they are usually in or close to his mouth constantly.. he has found his tounge and likes to stick it out..its pretty cute!  He LOVES being held and he really is a MOMMYs Boy.  O is small in size, I have been more to the dr with this baby than any other..we have had 8-9 visits to the dr already..he is in the 6 percentile but we have been supplementing some formula, so hopefully he can “bulk up” lol.  Owen does ok on Tummy time and can do it before freaking out for about 5 min..he is a crier though and has a good set of lungs on him..He loves to watch Sloan and Rhett play and loves when sloan teases him..she usually can get him to laugh within minutes of talking to him.  Rhett loves to give Baby O kisses J  He sleeps ok throughout the night, usually just waking up 2 times..He loves the dog, and hates car drives.  WE ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE HIM..I WOULDN’T CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD…I AM GLAD THAT HE IS HERE AND THAT JUST A FEW SHORT MONTHS AGO HE WAS UP IN HEAVEN WITH THOSE THAT WE LOVE SO MUCH.  I AM SURE NOELLE held HIM FOR as LONG AS she Could before she let him come down to us…I feel so close to her and him.. ;)

Best Moment this week:

I was able to go to the temple with the Young Women on Saturday, before Noelles birthday on Sunday.  I was able to feel super close to her that day and I am looking forward to a temple trip with drew soon.  I felt so much peace and comfort at the Logan Temple, and seeing everyone in white was amazing. J

It has snowed so much in the past 36 hours, there is probably four new inches today alone…!!!

Catching up ONCE AGAIN!! Summer 2015

RED TRUCK

There is so much to tell...

 We have been Crazy busy here at the Shawver House!! Welcome Baby OWEN!! He is precious. He was a surprise and I am so glad he is here.  He was born June 29th @ 12:26pm.  He was 7lbs 12oz...21inches long... :) Great baby in the hospital and knew exactly what he was doing :)

At the end of April we decided to finish the basement. I told Drew I wanted it finished before the baby got here..we did it barely..ok it still needs the finishing touches but on the Day we got to meet Shawver Baby #4 the plumber showed up (unexpected) and put in the sink and toilet in the bathroom :)  I am glad we made them stay and do it.  Drew still needs to finish painting the bathroom and we need to finish filling the nail marks in the baseboards and doors and paint a little on the trim :)  It turned out PERFECT!!  It was a struggle but we had awesome HELP!!! (BLAINE & Debbie; Todd & Susan, Kaeley; SLOAN, RHETT; Brittney & Kelly, Sutton; Todd's summer boys--Misha...the list goes on..i will have to double check with drew)

We graveled the RV pad..Sloan and Rhett enjoyed "driving the tractor" with Drew

Easter 2015!

Easter is upon us...the time of year i love, yet the loss of Noelle has made me lose a little of what i love most.  Out at the Udy Ranch, they have been calving, and i haven't even made it out there..they are actually branding today--something i absolutely loved as a child.  I enjoyed getting up early on Saturdays and spending the day with my Dad, siblings, Uncles, Grandparents, and Cousins!!!  I know that these memories from my youth will stay with me forever and i am grateful for that...i always want to remember Spring and the Changing of Seasons...the warm sun on my face, the warm breeze blowing, the sounds, the smells..........

Maybe we will get dressed and head out!!!

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday!  I have been excited for this day for a while, but now that its here...i am feeling a few different emotions.  I know that this is normal, and it will be awhile before i am used to the "New Normal", but it still stinks....

I have not really wanted to go out to Drew's parents and see all the others kids running, and laughing and "finding the bags of candy" but it really is something that Noelle loved to do and i know that she will be close to us no matter what we do that day.  I feel like i have to "enjoy" doing those things for "show" and so that the BIL and SIL and their kids have a great day...but I don't really want too.  I do want to enjoy it for my "family--Sloan and Rhett" by i don't want to have to be happy all day for others that are around us.  

Sloan and Rhetters are getting a big backyard playhouse/swing set. :) 

Drew is getting it ready, but it will be a few days before it is all finished.  

I was just checking to see if i had on my computer or phone a picture of Noelle from last EASTER...i can see the picture so vividly, but i can't find it.  She is standing next to the RED pickup and she is wearing her new bright colored pants..they were bright pink, bright green--like neon, neon orange, and she had on her white sandals.  the pants ended up splitting out the crotch, and we had to sew them that day at Grandma Shawver's..

"Some days the memories still knock the wind out of me..."

WOW..will this every get easier...

hey...i was doing ok this am and now for the last 30 minutes i have been bawling...i just can't seem to stop.  I think about little things and they just bring me to tears. I was putting away a stupid cup and now i'm just beside myself.

I think about her everyday, and just some days are harder than others..I found all of the Easter eggs from last year, and i can remember playing "hot and cold game" just weeks, possibly days before she passed...WHY?!!???

I am dreading Easter weekend/Sunday and spending it with The Shawvers, don't get me wrong, it just that i don't know if i can be happy happy all day, while part of me is gone and will never return... :(

Yes part of me is so grateful for what we have and still have and what we will have again one day,...but that one day seems so far away!!!

I just miss her...

Drew and I have been getting along ok :) Normal for us..we laugh and cry together and often find ourselves being told to "quite fighting" a quote that Sloan learned from her Beautiful Older Sister :)--Love you NOELLE!!

We are not necessarily fighting but we can just be talking and Sloan will yell at us this quote.  I have found that She is amazing and continues to amaze me DAILY with her strength and Knowledge about Noelle, the Savior, the Plan of Salvation.. :) Even at Church, she has brought teachers and leaders to tears about who has seen Heavenly Father and we can all see him :)

Rhetts been a little sick over the past two-th

Noelle's song just came on the Pandora Account--Cher Lloyd--Want you Back

Rhett's been sick over the past 2-3 months, this time it isn't croupy.  Grandma Debbie thinks that it could be more related to allergies..we will have to see..as Sloan was my sickie and continues to deal with a runny nose and sneezing...Noelle was seldom sick, and when she was you could TELL.

Rhett has been signing more, but still gets grumpy and just wants to pound the table for more :)

Sloan has been helping out a little more, and is super protective of Rhett and always wants to be with him and taking care of him..let me give him his bottle...let me get his jammies ready, let me wash his hair....etc..

She has started going to Connie's 4 days a week, and this week they are having an Easter Egg hunt, and the older kids from Snake River are out on Spring Break, so today we got to see TESSA --Noelle's best Friend!!

The Kids are loving having a dog.  Lola has been pretty good and is really getting BIG!!  She was 45 pounds at her 4 month check up...i can imagine that she is somewhere around 60 lbs now..

She is outside most days, but there have been times, when Sloan pleads for her to be inside on COLD Days.. :)

miss Noelle...miss her

i started this over 4 months ago when i went riding along with Drew up to Challis..i really think that i should have wrote more, but really just getting into the blogger/journal thing has not really worked for me.  The picture above is a reminder that life has no slowed down, it is hard for me--some days are worse than others, but to see all the changes and growing up that other children are doing is heart-wrenching and heartwarming at the same time.  I am thankful for our NOELLE and the blessing and joy she was to us and others around her.  THE ladybug will always remind me of her and how quickly life changes...it really is not our plan, but HIS plan.  I hope and pray that I can be lead and guided through all of our trial/struggles. I am blessed beyond measure-- with my family here on earth, and am grateful for their support and love over the last 6 months...6 MONTHS and it feels like just yesterday and also LIKE FOREVER ago....

Sloan is growing up so much and loves to watch Netflix--one of Noelle's fav's--she has been on the Pirate Fairies kick :) She is such a big help with Rhett but refuses to listen to anything else i ask her to do..she never cleans her room, she gets into my makeup every other day, but if i ask her about Rhett she is always on it :)
She is going to Ms. Connie's 3 days a week and enjoys being around the other kids. :)  She is so smart, but very stubborn. :)  She helps me so much when i am emotional--and gives me lots of loves!!!

Rhett just had his 1 year check up...he is doing awesome!!! he is in or about in the 50% in height/weight/ and head circumference.  He is walking, and has 4 teeth on top and just is getting 2 more on bottom for a total of 8.  He is starting to sign a little, but he still just likes to slap the table for more. :)He was sick last week, and so was Sloan, but we are on the tail end of it...fingers crossed!! We used essential oils and they are helping so much. :)

Drew just got a job with the SITE and he starts on Feb 9th..it will be 4 on 4 off schedule and i just don't know what i am going to do with him being around so much!!!! The kids will love it!!! and so will I :)

WE got a DOG--LOLA :) she is a great dane and busy...she has been super good with Rhett.  Sloan is still warming up :)--it may take months...:)

We are expecting a baby in June/JULY..i go in on Feb 10th for the ultrasound and i invited Sloan to come along and "SEE" the baby! She is so excited!
That's about it for now...

NOVEMBER ALREADY...
What a day.  I purposely stayed home from work today, knowing that the night before would be long and hard. 
Two Princesses--were up and ready to go to school by 6:50, they spent the day busy trick or treating, at Ms. Connie's, then off to Pingree to the ward Halloween Party, Uncle Marks, and back to Grandma and Grandpa Shawver's

...needless to say...I WAS EXHAUSTED!!

It has been one of those days.  The girls were up and ready to go at 6:30 saying "Are we going to Ms. Connie's today"--I probably should have sent them.  I have been stressed to the max. There is so much to do in the next two months.  We have Drew's Birthday, Thanksgiving, Noelle's Birthday, Brittney's Wedding, Christmas, My Birthday, New Year's, and then the arrival of a new baby BOY!!

The girls and I set off to pay Ms. Connie. All the kids at school were playing dress up. Dexter was so excited to see Sloan.  He was dressed up in a purple dress and was talking Sloan's ear off--Before we left, he had to give Sloan a HUGE hug!! So Cute.
From there we headed to Wal-Mart to do a little grocery shopping....we ended up running into an old High School friend of mine--Ashley (Haskell) Howell. 
We got some groceries for our "eating at home" trend.  We have been trying to eat a home more--in order to "save some money for when the baby gets here".  I also bought a few "baby items"--diapers and wipes...JUST trying to STOCK UP!